[ it's not the safest option, because violence is too much of an instinct and he always always always has to fight his conditioning to remain in control.
it's exhausting, but isn't that kind of the point? ]
[ he — doesn't want to hurt steve. he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, but steve has proved himself entirely incapable of exercising any kind of self-preservation instinct when it comes to him and that's — not good. ]
[Steve's not sure if Bucky's wry humor will ever return, but he does hold onto the tiny hope that if he continues to pull his leg like this, eventually he'll get something back.]
[ humour requires an understanding of the world and his own reactions to it that he has yet to regain, but it'll come back as he moves further along the scale from weapon to human. ]
[ when steve makes it to the roof, he'll find james sitting in the darkness, in a spot that offers good sightlines to the door. he's got a knife in one hand, and every once in a while he flips it almost absentmindedly. there's no real intent behind the gesture.
he doesn't look as tired as he feels, but he does look tired: dark circles under his eyes, hair limp ( that could be because he showers, but they're brief and mechanical affairs and caring for his hair is not high up on his to do list ), skin pale.
[Steve walks over with heavy footsteps (it's always best to let Bucky know that he's coming, although his guess is that he heard him back on the stairwell) and then crouches down once he gets close, so that they're face-to-face.
His eyes shift down to the knife in Bucky's hand, but only for a split second. He's more interested in getting a good look at him, and so he lifts his hand and lets it hover in the air for a few seconds before he reaches forward to tuck some of Bucky's hair behind his ear.
The look on his face is one that Steve remembers, even if it's slightly altered now. A memory comes back to him from out of the blue, of Bucky sitting on a cot in a tent at base camp after a particularly rough mission. He hadn't had any good sleep in days, and he'd looked up at Steve with tired eyes and a worn smile.
The smile's not there now.]
You wanna do this up here? There should be enough room.
[ most days, he is aware of the fact that steve makes sure to telegraph his movements around him, to announce his presence by making more noise than necessary, and he alternatively appreciates it and hates that it's necessary still. it's good, though, that steve is careful — if startled, his first instinct is still to attack and that might mean hurting steve or someone else.
steve telegraphs his movements, but that he ends up tucking some strands of hair behind bucky's ear, that gesture still surprises him and for a moment he blinks, something catching in his chest as he ( unsuccessfully ) tries to parse the meaning behind it. ]
[The action isn't one that Steve could really explain himself, were he asked. He's still not used to the long hair, if he's honest. Sometimes he wishes he could just take a pair of scissors to it, but forcing Bucky to adhere to his own ideas of what he should be would mean he was no different from HYDRA.
What he can say is that he feels an urge to keep the long strands out of Bucky's face most of the time, so that he can actually see his eyes. They've become more expressive over time, and Steve takes that as a good sign.]
Sure, I'm sure.
[Steve stands and then extends his hand down to Bucky.]
You gonna use that? [He nods to the knife, and tries to keep his expression neutral. Bucky's skill with blades is impressive, but the fact still remains that it brings back unpleasant memories.]
[ for a long moment, james just looks down at the knife in his hands, flips it over once, twice — and then puts it away, sliding it out of sight and taking steve's hand instead to let steve help him up even though he doesn't need it at all.
( the hair is a reminder, maybe, that he's not bucky; he can't be — he doesn't think of it that way, though, if only because he doesn't think about it at all. he washes it, when he has to, but otherwise it doesn't feature as a priority in any way. ) ]
[The knife disappears, quicker than Steve can even track, but the bottom line is that it's gone. Bucky's hand squeezed tight in his own lightens the mood for Steve, if only for the brief moment it takes to pull him up.
Then they're both standing, facing each other on a rooftop, and that brings back memories too.
Steve backs away until there's a good ten feet of space between them. He doesn't have his shield with him, just his bare hands -- but this is how he'd sparred with Natasha, so in that way it feels familiar. It's the person across from him that he's still getting used to, and that thought alone is enough to make his stomach twist.]
[ there is no answer, at least no verbal one — there is an almost unnatural stillness, gauging, assessing — and then there is movement, nothing to telegraph it until he's crossing the distance and throwing the first punch. ]
[There's always something unnerving about being sized up by Bucky these days. While they've already established boundaries and Bucky has proved time and time again that he no longer has any desire (or directive) to hurt him, Steve can still sense the way that Bucky's eyes move over him and pick out each weak point.
Bucky runs at him with the suddenness of a lunging snake, and Steve's super-soldier reflexes are the only thing that allows him to get an arm up in time to deflect the blow. He uses his brute strength to ram into Bucky with his shoulder and then tries to get a foot in between his ankles to trip him up.]
[ he's proved that he has no desire to hurt steve, that irrespective of the fact that steve was his misson, he no longer follows hydra's orders- but that doesn't mean that there isn't still a considerable amount of self-control involved on james' side in this because his instinct is to put enemy combatants out of commission permanently and steve is not an enemy combatant, but if he lets instinct take over, he might not be able to remember that.
both their reflexes are heightened, and they're both far stronger than a normal human being. steve is better in hand-to-hand combat, their fight on the helicarrier had proved that, but they're as closely matched as perhaps anyone comes to matching steve, these days.
the fight lasts- james doesn't know for how long, too focused on blocking and countering, on attacking, on keeping his hands from reaching for the knives hidden on his body. no weapons, just hands-
eventually, steve has him on a chokehold, they're both breathing hard, and he feels something like panic set in, only muted, instinct rearing its head because how can he trust steve to stop in time, he's in a vulnerable position- ] Stop.
[It's true that not many people can give Steve a run for his money when it comes to a pure test of strength such as this. Natasha can if only because she's Natasha and her training is so good that she can hold her own against him. In fact, she taught Steve a lot of what he knows about hand-to-hand, so he ends up on the floor way often than she does when they spar together.
Bucky's fighting style is completely different, though. Bucky was trained by HYDRA, Steve by SHIELD, and while those two things are one and the same, there's still a marked difference in how they fight.
When Steve ends up behind Bucky with his arm pressed against his throat, it all-too-quickly reminds him of the fight on the helicarrier, how he'd had no choice but to choke Bucky out to stop him from shooting, and he's already pulling away when Bucky gives that order.
At this point Steve's breathing hard and more than a little shaken. He never wants to hurt Bucky, and he wouldn't have added enough pressure to really hinder him, but it's still enough to throw both of them off.
A few moments of silence (save for heavy breathing), and then:]
[ he doesn't manage to answer immediately, instead rolling to his feet and bringing distance between them the moment that steve has pulled away enough for him to do so. his head is bowed and he doesn't manage to look at steve, but he does manage to shake his head.
no, he is not okay. it's a lot more honest and a lot more forthcoming than he would have managed to be a month ago. ]
[Usually, a response like that would cause Steve to approach and wrap his arms around Bucky, just hold him until he felt a little better. It doesn't always work, but it doesn't seem to do any harm either.
Given that the cause of this has to do with physical contact, though, he can't risk that this time around. Instead Steve stands there, his arms loose at his sides and his body language as relaxed as he can manage.]
... Okay. I'm sorry, that got out of hand. Do you want to go back downstairs? Or do you want to be alone?
[What Bucky needs varies wildly, which might seem odd when so many of his issues come from a lack of autonomy. Sometimes he needs the company and the distraction another person provides. Other times that interaction is too overwhelming, and he has to be left with his thoughts for a while.]
[ there are times when steve holding him seems like it's the only thing that holds james together at all, and there are times when even just a simple touch makes him flinch away because it's too much, because he can't be who or what steve needs, because he expects pain and punishment instead of the kindness that steve offers, that he isn't always convinced he deserves.
he doesn't know where on the spectrum between those two things he would fall right now. steve isn't a threat. he knows steve isn't a threat. ] Can we.
[ now that he knows, intellectually, that he's allowed and even encouraged to speak his mind, to ask for the things he wants, to make his own choices, his inability to articulate those choices is frustrating. his subconscious has yet to catch up with what his mind has come to know, though. ] Here.
[ can they just stay here? he likes the air up here, the clean sightlines, that there's only one possible point of approach.
[Whenever Steve's waiting for Bucky to come out with a thought or feeling or opinion, it always feels a little bit like he's teetering on a cliff edge, not sure if he'll fall or be yanked away from it in time.
If that's how it feels for him, he can't even imagine what Bucky's going through. When every choice is like pulling teeth, it's a wonder that he's functional at all. Granted, they've put a lot of work into it already.
Can we, Bucky says, and Steve has to practically bite his tongue to stop from asking can we what? It takes just a little more patience to hear the rest, and from there Steve knows what to do.
Really, he wants Bucky to get the rest that he needs (as much as he might think otherwise -- and really, Steve gets it, that thought that you've slept long enough, it's been decades, why should you need more?), but if this is what it takes, then so be it.
So with a nod, Steve settles down onto the hard concrete that makes up the roof and crosses his legs in front of him. He peers up at Bucky, wondering if he'll mimic him.]
[ steve settles down, legs crossed and posture unthreatening, and after a long moment's hesitation, another long moment because he's already hesitated so much, because every moment is instinct and checking instinct against what he rationally knows and it's exhausting, he sits down as well.
he doesn't cross his legs- instead, he sits with his back to the low reiling surrounding the edge of the roof, one leg drawn up and the other stretched out in front of him. it's a position that'll allow him to get up quickly in case of attack, and while he doesn't expect one, it's an instinct he usually doesn't fight.
he does fight the instinct to reach for the knife again, to start playing with it. instead, he looks down on his hands, flesh and metal, fingers of both loosely held over his thighs. ]
[Steve watches as Bucky slowly but surely settles down and sits again, and while he's not sitting in the most relaxed way, it's a pose that Steve still remembers from before. Bucky had been looser in his body language back then, with one arm usually draped over his knee, but it's close enough that Steve ends up smiling briefly at the sight.
With how hard things can get sometimes, he's got to take those little signs of his friend when he finds them. Even if he's the only one aware of it, Steve doesn't care.
He rears his head back at that apology.] You don't need to be sorry about anything. [Steve's probably said that to Bucky at least ten times, if not more, but he'll keep on with it. It's going to take a lot of repetitious work to undo some of that conditioning.]
It's kind of my fault for being on your case, when you were up here minding your own business.
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
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[ and then, a little later because he actually feels strongly enough about this: ] I don't want to.
[ nothing that will mess with his head, or his chemistry. hydra's done enough of that, haven't they? ]
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Still, something has to be done about this.]
Fair enough. So what, then? You can't just stay up for days at a time.
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[ it's not the safest option, because violence is too much of an instinct and he always always always has to fight his conditioning to remain in control.
it's exhausting, but isn't that kind of the point? ]
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[Steve's not scared of Bucky. Maybe he has dreams about that day on the helicarrier sometimes, but Bucky doesn't need to know about that. Not ever.
If he can make Bucky feel comfortable with his own body and what he can do with it, and if that can help him sleep? Steve's there in a heartbeat.]
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[ he — doesn't want to hurt steve. he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, but steve has proved himself entirely incapable of exercising any kind of self-preservation instinct when it comes to him and that's — not good. ]
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[Steve's not sure if Bucky's wry humor will ever return, but he does hold onto the tiny hope that if he continues to pull his leg like this, eventually he'll get something back.]
Where are you?
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[ humour requires an understanding of the world and his own reactions to it that he has yet to regain, but it'll come back as he moves further along the scale from weapon to human. ]
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I'm on my way up.
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[ when steve makes it to the roof, he'll find james sitting in the darkness, in a spot that offers good sightlines to the door. he's got a knife in one hand, and every once in a while he flips it almost absentmindedly. there's no real intent behind the gesture.
he doesn't look as tired as he feels, but he does look tired: dark circles under his eyes, hair limp ( that could be because he showers, but they're brief and mechanical affairs and caring for his hair is not high up on his to do list ), skin pale.
his eyes, however, are still relatively aware. ]
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His eyes shift down to the knife in Bucky's hand, but only for a split second. He's more interested in getting a good look at him, and so he lifts his hand and lets it hover in the air for a few seconds before he reaches forward to tuck some of Bucky's hair behind his ear.
The look on his face is one that Steve remembers, even if it's slightly altered now. A memory comes back to him from out of the blue, of Bucky sitting on a cot in a tent at base camp after a particularly rough mission. He hadn't had any good sleep in days, and he'd looked up at Steve with tired eyes and a worn smile.
The smile's not there now.]
You wanna do this up here? There should be enough room.
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steve telegraphs his movements, but that he ends up tucking some strands of hair behind bucky's ear, that gesture still surprises him and for a moment he blinks, something catching in his chest as he ( unsuccessfully ) tries to parse the meaning behind it. ]
If you're sure.
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What he can say is that he feels an urge to keep the long strands out of Bucky's face most of the time, so that he can actually see his eyes. They've become more expressive over time, and Steve takes that as a good sign.]
Sure, I'm sure.
[Steve stands and then extends his hand down to Bucky.]
You gonna use that? [He nods to the knife, and tries to keep his expression neutral. Bucky's skill with blades is impressive, but the fact still remains that it brings back unpleasant memories.]
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( the hair is a reminder, maybe, that he's not bucky; he can't be — he doesn't think of it that way, though, if only because he doesn't think about it at all. he washes it, when he has to, but otherwise it doesn't feature as a priority in any way. ) ]
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Then they're both standing, facing each other on a rooftop, and that brings back memories too.
Steve backs away until there's a good ten feet of space between them. He doesn't have his shield with him, just his bare hands -- but this is how he'd sparred with Natasha, so in that way it feels familiar. It's the person across from him that he's still getting used to, and that thought alone is enough to make his stomach twist.]
Ready?
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what have i done i'm awful at fight scenes
Bucky runs at him with the suddenness of a lunging snake, and Steve's super-soldier reflexes are the only thing that allows him to get an arm up in time to deflect the blow. He uses his brute strength to ram into Bucky with his shoulder and then tries to get a foot in between his ankles to trip him up.]
as am i, let's gently handwave things
both their reflexes are heightened, and they're both far stronger than a normal human being. steve is better in hand-to-hand combat, their fight on the helicarrier had proved that, but they're as closely matched as perhaps anyone comes to matching steve, these days.
the fight lasts- james doesn't know for how long, too focused on blocking and countering, on attacking, on keeping his hands from reaching for the knives hidden on his body. no weapons, just hands-
eventually, steve has him on a chokehold, they're both breathing hard, and he feels something like panic set in, only muted, instinct rearing its head because how can he trust steve to stop in time, he's in a vulnerable position- ] Stop.
[ it costs endless effort to say that one word. ]
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Bucky's fighting style is completely different, though. Bucky was trained by HYDRA, Steve by SHIELD, and while those two things are one and the same, there's still a marked difference in how they fight.
When Steve ends up behind Bucky with his arm pressed against his throat, it all-too-quickly reminds him of the fight on the helicarrier, how he'd had no choice but to choke Bucky out to stop him from shooting, and he's already pulling away when Bucky gives that order.
At this point Steve's breathing hard and more than a little shaken. He never wants to hurt Bucky, and he wouldn't have added enough pressure to really hinder him, but it's still enough to throw both of them off.
A few moments of silence (save for heavy breathing), and then:]
Are you okay?
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no, he is not okay. it's a lot more honest and a lot more forthcoming than he would have managed to be a month ago. ]
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Given that the cause of this has to do with physical contact, though, he can't risk that this time around. Instead Steve stands there, his arms loose at his sides and his body language as relaxed as he can manage.]
... Okay. I'm sorry, that got out of hand. Do you want to go back downstairs? Or do you want to be alone?
[What Bucky needs varies wildly, which might seem odd when so many of his issues come from a lack of autonomy. Sometimes he needs the company and the distraction another person provides. Other times that interaction is too overwhelming, and he has to be left with his thoughts for a while.]
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he doesn't know where on the spectrum between those two things he would fall right now. steve isn't a threat. he knows steve isn't a threat. ] Can we.
[ now that he knows, intellectually, that he's allowed and even encouraged to speak his mind, to ask for the things he wants, to make his own choices, his inability to articulate those choices is frustrating. his subconscious has yet to catch up with what his mind has come to know, though. ] Here.
[ can they just stay here? he likes the air up here, the clean sightlines, that there's only one possible point of approach.
but he doesn't want steve to go, either. ]
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If that's how it feels for him, he can't even imagine what Bucky's going through. When every choice is like pulling teeth, it's a wonder that he's functional at all. Granted, they've put a lot of work into it already.
Can we, Bucky says, and Steve has to practically bite his tongue to stop from asking can we what? It takes just a little more patience to hear the rest, and from there Steve knows what to do.
Really, he wants Bucky to get the rest that he needs (as much as he might think otherwise -- and really, Steve gets it, that thought that you've slept long enough, it's been decades, why should you need more?), but if this is what it takes, then so be it.
So with a nod, Steve settles down onto the hard concrete that makes up the roof and crosses his legs in front of him. He peers up at Bucky, wondering if he'll mimic him.]
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he doesn't cross his legs- instead, he sits with his back to the low reiling surrounding the edge of the roof, one leg drawn up and the other stretched out in front of him. it's a position that'll allow him to get up quickly in case of attack, and while he doesn't expect one, it's an instinct he usually doesn't fight.
he does fight the instinct to reach for the knife again, to start playing with it. instead, he looks down on his hands, flesh and metal, fingers of both loosely held over his thighs. ]
Sorry.
[ for freaking out on you. ]
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With how hard things can get sometimes, he's got to take those little signs of his friend when he finds them. Even if he's the only one aware of it, Steve doesn't care.
He rears his head back at that apology.] You don't need to be sorry about anything. [Steve's probably said that to Bucky at least ten times, if not more, but he'll keep on with it. It's going to take a lot of repetitious work to undo some of that conditioning.]
It's kind of my fault for being on your case, when you were up here minding your own business.
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