[ steve settles down, legs crossed and posture unthreatening, and after a long moment's hesitation, another long moment because he's already hesitated so much, because every moment is instinct and checking instinct against what he rationally knows and it's exhausting, he sits down as well.
he doesn't cross his legs- instead, he sits with his back to the low reiling surrounding the edge of the roof, one leg drawn up and the other stretched out in front of him. it's a position that'll allow him to get up quickly in case of attack, and while he doesn't expect one, it's an instinct he usually doesn't fight.
he does fight the instinct to reach for the knife again, to start playing with it. instead, he looks down on his hands, flesh and metal, fingers of both loosely held over his thighs. ]
[Steve watches as Bucky slowly but surely settles down and sits again, and while he's not sitting in the most relaxed way, it's a pose that Steve still remembers from before. Bucky had been looser in his body language back then, with one arm usually draped over his knee, but it's close enough that Steve ends up smiling briefly at the sight.
With how hard things can get sometimes, he's got to take those little signs of his friend when he finds them. Even if he's the only one aware of it, Steve doesn't care.
He rears his head back at that apology.] You don't need to be sorry about anything. [Steve's probably said that to Bucky at least ten times, if not more, but he'll keep on with it. It's going to take a lot of repetitious work to undo some of that conditioning.]
It's kind of my fault for being on your case, when you were up here minding your own business.
[ steve might remember the pose from before — james doesn't, not really. if there's any recollection of it, it's purely physical, muscle memory that he isn't conscious of.
steve has told him that he has no reason to be sorry, but it still feels like he's falling short of something, some ideal of recovery perhaps, or the ghost of bucky barnes. it's a frustration he feels more and more frequently these days, and maybe that in itself is a sign of improvement because on really bad days, he still isn't aware that there's something to strive for, isn't aware of anything much at all.
[Which, for the record, is still a problem. But they might need to find a different way to deal with it.
Steve thinks that curling up on the couch and watching late night TV until they drift off to sleep wouldn't be such a bad idea, but seeing how he can't even get Bucky to come downstairs right now, that's a long way off. Reading's always helped put him to sleep, too -- maybe he should pick out some good books for Bucky.
Fiction, probably. Non-fiction is one huge can of worms at the moment.
Steve glances out from the roof at the view below, which is actually pretty spectacular for anyone who's fond of cityscapes.] So, you like it up here? Being above everything?
[ he knows that not sleeping is a problem, intellectually and because he can feel the drag of exhaustion, but at the same time, there's a part of him that doesn't realise how necessary sleep is to him because he has done very little by way of actually sleeping in the last decades. either he was on a mission, or he was frozen. during longer missions, he'd rested, catnaps here or there when his handlers had instructed him to do so in order to maintain combat effectiveness at all times. there's a larger part still that doesn't want to because it's not safe, because he needs to watch his back, because sleeping means nightmares, because of a million reasons.
so what he knows intellectually doesn't have all that much of an impact.
and still, he nods. it's an answer both to what steve doesn't say, if he's even reading steve right, and to the question steve's asked. he does like it up here, if not for the exact reason steve assumes. ] Clear sightlines. [ is offered as elaboration. ] Limited angles of approach.
[While Steve's been given plenty of insight into the way that Bucky views the world now, something that had been taught and imprinted over many years in the employ of (or rather, as the captive of) unsavory people, it's never any easier to hear it.
Not that he wants Bucky to lie, either. The last thing Steve wants is to establish an interaction where Bucky feels the need to censor himself.
Maybe it's the quiet that matters more than anything else, and Steve wonders if his own voice is too much for Bucky to take sometimes. Bucky hasn't told him to leave, nor has he tried to leave himself, so Steve can only assume it's all right for him to be out here.
He doesn't speak up again, though -- just lets Bucky enjoy the quiet, and tries to enjoy it himself. Tries to see it as companionable, rather than tense. Eventually Steve shifts around and lays out on his back, not seeming to care that the roof might be dirty. There's not much in the way of stargazing to be had here, but he still inwardly counts the few pricks of light in the sky that he can find.]
[ there are times when everything is too much- steve's voice, steve's expectations, that words demand an answer. the presence of another person demands awareness and engagement and sometimes the only way he knows to protect himself from everything in his mind is to shut down.
he can't do that when he is forced to engage with anyone, and it's exhausting and too much and sometimes he just needs to leave.
right now, though, steve is quiet and relaxed enough to lie down. james can't imagine being that relaxed in a place as unprotected as this one. maybe steve expects him to guard them both. ( the thought brings with it a measure of pride, and a measure of incomprehension. )
[Steve eventually turns his gaze from the stars to where Bucky's sitting near him. Part of him had wondered if maybe Bucky would mimic him and lay down too, but he realizes now that he'd expected too much. Even if he invites Bucky to do it, that might just make him more tense.
As far as Bucky's concerned, people are after them and he can't ever let his guard down. Steve realizes that he's probably right about that, that they're probably being hunted in some capacity, but...]
It's all right. We're safe here. [Does Steve know that for certain? No. But he needs to show Bucky that it's fine to relax here and there.]
Even if we aren't, if something happens we can handle it. [He reaches out and sets a hand on Bucky's thigh, the only part of him that he can reach from where he's laying.] You know that.
[ the first part doesn't mean anything to him, the same way that pierce's your work has shaped the century hadn't meant anything. they're just words that have no meaning, no real meaning to him.
the second sentence is something he can understand, that he can consider the truthfulness of and find that steve is right. they are not safe, but if something happens, they can handle it. steve is skilled at hand to hand combat and james is skilled at all kinds of combat, especially sniping, and it would take a great many agents to take the two of them down.
so, gaze dropping to the hand on his thigh: ] Okay.
[Steve does everything he can to speak to Bucky in a language he'll understand. One of Bucky's skills is sizing up the odds in a fight, and Steve watches as he quickly does the mental calculations and comes to a decision.
Bucky agrees. It's a relief, to know that even now the two of them could fight together as a team and be nigh unstoppable. Bucky may not feel safe, but maybe he's a little reassured.]
Maybe that's the reason they haven't come after us yet. [Steve smiles to himself as he sits up and stretches.] They know we won't go down without a fight. [Both of them are super soldiers -- weapons forged in very different ways, yes, but still powerful. Bucky fights for himself now, and that makes him more dangerous than ever.
Steve stands and glances down at Bucky.] I'm gonna head back downstairs. [He shifts his weight, slightly awkward.] Feel free to join me... whenever you feel like it. [And if Bucky stays up here all night? Well, then that's his choice.]
[ there is something reassuring about knowing the odds. there is something considerably less reassuring about knowing that the odds had been in his favour many a time while he'd been with hydra and he hadn't made use of that. sam tells him that's not his fault, that they messed with his mind to a degree that made it impossible for him to realise how much stronger he was, that he might have had the upper hand in a fight.
he's no longer their weapon, right? so if they come now he doesn't need to go with them. he's with steve now-
and suddenly it's imperative that he stay with steve, because he's with steve and together they can take hydra and if he keeps steve in his sights then the programming won't take over.
he's on his feet in one quick motion, standing behind steve, a little too close for comfort perhaps, jaw clenched. ]
[At this point, there's no such thing as too close for comfort. Had there ever been? Ever since they've known each other, Steve and Bucky haven't shied away from physical closeness. An arm slung low around his shoulders, a hug here or there, huddling up on couch cushions to stay warm and comfortable on cold nights...
Compared to all that, they barely touch these days. Steve's been hacking away at the wall between them bit by bit, but he doesn't want to overwhelm Bucky. It doesn't usually go beyond brushing back his hair or setting a hand on his thigh.
If Bucky wants to join him right now, then all the better. Steve takes the lead, like he always does. These days he knows it's because Bucky doesn't want someone at his back as it makes him nervous, but there's still something familiar in it. Steve always goes first, with Bucky just a few steps behind him, and maybe there's some kind of muscle memory in that too.
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
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he doesn't cross his legs- instead, he sits with his back to the low reiling surrounding the edge of the roof, one leg drawn up and the other stretched out in front of him. it's a position that'll allow him to get up quickly in case of attack, and while he doesn't expect one, it's an instinct he usually doesn't fight.
he does fight the instinct to reach for the knife again, to start playing with it. instead, he looks down on his hands, flesh and metal, fingers of both loosely held over his thighs. ]
Sorry.
[ for freaking out on you. ]
no subject
With how hard things can get sometimes, he's got to take those little signs of his friend when he finds them. Even if he's the only one aware of it, Steve doesn't care.
He rears his head back at that apology.] You don't need to be sorry about anything. [Steve's probably said that to Bucky at least ten times, if not more, but he'll keep on with it. It's going to take a lot of repetitious work to undo some of that conditioning.]
It's kind of my fault for being on your case, when you were up here minding your own business.
no subject
steve has told him that he has no reason to be sorry, but it still feels like he's falling short of something, some ideal of recovery perhaps, or the ghost of bucky barnes. it's a frustration he feels more and more frequently these days, and maybe that in itself is a sign of improvement because on really bad days, he still isn't aware that there's something to strive for, isn't aware of anything much at all.
maybe frustration is better than emptiness. ]
Asked you to spar.
no subject
[Which, for the record, is still a problem. But they might need to find a different way to deal with it.
Steve thinks that curling up on the couch and watching late night TV until they drift off to sleep wouldn't be such a bad idea, but seeing how he can't even get Bucky to come downstairs right now, that's a long way off. Reading's always helped put him to sleep, too -- maybe he should pick out some good books for Bucky.
Fiction, probably. Non-fiction is one huge can of worms at the moment.
Steve glances out from the roof at the view below, which is actually pretty spectacular for anyone who's fond of cityscapes.] So, you like it up here? Being above everything?
no subject
so what he knows intellectually doesn't have all that much of an impact.
and still, he nods. it's an answer both to what steve doesn't say, if he's even reading steve right, and to the question steve's asked. he does like it up here, if not for the exact reason steve assumes. ] Clear sightlines. [ is offered as elaboration. ] Limited angles of approach.
[ and, a long moment later: ]
It's quiet.
no subject
Not that he wants Bucky to lie, either. The last thing Steve wants is to establish an interaction where Bucky feels the need to censor himself.
Maybe it's the quiet that matters more than anything else, and Steve wonders if his own voice is too much for Bucky to take sometimes. Bucky hasn't told him to leave, nor has he tried to leave himself, so Steve can only assume it's all right for him to be out here.
He doesn't speak up again, though -- just lets Bucky enjoy the quiet, and tries to enjoy it himself. Tries to see it as companionable, rather than tense. Eventually Steve shifts around and lays out on his back, not seeming to care that the roof might be dirty. There's not much in the way of stargazing to be had here, but he still inwardly counts the few pricks of light in the sky that he can find.]
no subject
he can't do that when he is forced to engage with anyone, and it's exhausting and too much and sometimes he just needs to leave.
right now, though, steve is quiet and relaxed enough to lie down. james can't imagine being that relaxed in a place as unprotected as this one. maybe steve expects him to guard them both. ( the thought brings with it a measure of pride, and a measure of incomprehension. )
he doesn't ask, wouldn't know how to. ]
no subject
As far as Bucky's concerned, people are after them and he can't ever let his guard down. Steve realizes that he's probably right about that, that they're probably being hunted in some capacity, but...]
It's all right. We're safe here. [Does Steve know that for certain? No. But he needs to show Bucky that it's fine to relax here and there.]
Even if we aren't, if something happens we can handle it. [He reaches out and sets a hand on Bucky's thigh, the only part of him that he can reach from where he's laying.] You know that.
no subject
the second sentence is something he can understand, that he can consider the truthfulness of and find that steve is right. they are not safe, but if something happens, they can handle it. steve is skilled at hand to hand combat and james is skilled at all kinds of combat, especially sniping, and it would take a great many agents to take the two of them down.
so, gaze dropping to the hand on his thigh: ] Okay.
[ he doesn't tense up at the touch. ]
no subject
Bucky agrees. It's a relief, to know that even now the two of them could fight together as a team and be nigh unstoppable. Bucky may not feel safe, but maybe he's a little reassured.]
Maybe that's the reason they haven't come after us yet. [Steve smiles to himself as he sits up and stretches.] They know we won't go down without a fight. [Both of them are super soldiers -- weapons forged in very different ways, yes, but still powerful. Bucky fights for himself now, and that makes him more dangerous than ever.
Steve stands and glances down at Bucky.] I'm gonna head back downstairs. [He shifts his weight, slightly awkward.] Feel free to join me... whenever you feel like it. [And if Bucky stays up here all night? Well, then that's his choice.]
no subject
he's no longer their weapon, right? so if they come now he doesn't need to go with them. he's with steve now-
and suddenly it's imperative that he stay with steve, because he's with steve and together they can take hydra and if he keeps steve in his sights then the programming won't take over.
he's on his feet in one quick motion, standing behind steve, a little too close for comfort perhaps, jaw clenched. ]
no subject
Compared to all that, they barely touch these days. Steve's been hacking away at the wall between them bit by bit, but he doesn't want to overwhelm Bucky. It doesn't usually go beyond brushing back his hair or setting a hand on his thigh.
If Bucky wants to join him right now, then all the better. Steve takes the lead, like he always does. These days he knows it's because Bucky doesn't want someone at his back as it makes him nervous, but there's still something familiar in it. Steve always goes first, with Bucky just a few steps behind him, and maybe there's some kind of muscle memory in that too.
Steve takes comfort in it, at least.]