[Steve doesn't seem to mind. A great part of him understands that their dynamic is - strange. Unhealthy, even. It's why he doesn't tell anyone what he's been doing to make James more relaxed around him, why he doesn't say anything about what they've been doing to get him to get to know the world around them, to get to remember the life he left behind. Sometimes Steve thinks that's becoming less and less of an issue. He doesn't - he doesn't have Bucky, not in the plenitude of the image of a man he once knew, but he still has him. In a way, he has someone he can love as a friend, even - more.
What they are to one another doesn't have a name right now. He doesn't keep it at 'friends', as unaccustomed as James might still be to the concept in general, but - it feels like more, too. Like something no one else but them could really understand.
Maybe that's why he keeps James in the apartment more and more. Why he stays inside with him more and more, leaving others to question and receive silence in return.
They don't have to know. Steve was never one to share, anyway, and this goes beyond private, goes beyond intimate. But maybe it goes somewhere in the area of guilt, too. Shame for what seems like taking advantage of a human being who doesn't know any better - yet. So what happens when he does? When James suddenly becomes Bucky and realizes this was never what they were meant to be?
Steve's eyes are heavy and his lips in a thin line when suddenly he feels James next to him. He's not just there, sitting by his side with a glass in his hand, though - there's a kind of intent and Steve sees is plainly. It's not something he has to have smacked on his face to fully get it, but it doesn't mean he's acting on it until it becomes a little more frontal.
The gaze is just a little lighter when he turns to James, but the thoughts are still there. He'd like to think he's becoming better at reading the other man's gestures in the silence; he just hopes he isn't becoming better at reading Steve in return.
He almost forces a smile, but it's not an uncomfortable one. James trusts him enough to be close, and he likes that. He craves it.
He brushes a thumb on James' chin, eyes drifting from his own to his lips.]
[ steve wants so much from him — for him, too, but james rarely manages to grasp that distinction entirely. steve wants things, wants james to do or be one thing or another. wants him to be better or wants him to be bucky or wants him to speak more and he can't do these things, be the way he was before everything because he doesn't even know who bucky is. he has some memories, but they don't feel like his-
what he knows is that he likes steve close without the pressure of expectation and he likes it when steve touches him and he likes touching steve. what he knows is that sometimes, just sitting next to steve instead of going elsewhere will make steve's gaze a little lighter, and maybe he doesn't know why that matters, but he knows that it does. it matters; steve matters.
( steve is no longer the only thing he knows in the absence of an objective, but steve is still important. maybe, maybe steve always has and always will be important. he thinks that wouldn't be such a bad thing. )
he sits down next to steve, close, and that is as far as his initiative carries him, but steve's thumb finds his chin and steve's eyes find his lips and james closes his eyes and drifts closer. ]
[Steve almost inches back. He almost shies away from what Bucky - James - is drawing in for because they haven't even said anything, they're just sitting down and he can't tell himself it's just okay to engage this way when he's done nothing to deserve it.
A great part of him still believes that James doesn't know what he wants. He couldn't possibly know - why would it ever be Steve? Why would it be his touch, his lips, his body -
It's been such a long time since he was just a kid looking up at his friend and wondering - wishing - what would happen if those hands just touched him in a different way, just once. And now here they are, under the world's strangest circumstances, and they're both supposedly getting what they both want.
But in the end he doesn't deny James what he drifts closer for. Instead Steve just feels himself growing slightly stiff, thumb brushing the pads of his fingers a little nervously before he angles his head, just enough to receive and give him that kiss.
He'd like to ask him what he likes so much about kissing. If he just likes the gesture, of if he likes who he's doing it with. If all of this means half as much to him as it does to Steve.
The kiss lasts, but it isn't intense. It isn't chaste, either, when Steve places James' lip between his and sucks lightly. And then it's over, slowly, and he tongues his own lips with a frown, letting his forehead rest against the other man's.]
[ maybe at some point in the future, james will be well enough to tell steve that he does know what he wants and that it's his choice and steve needs to respect that; that it isn't about whether steve has done anything to deserve it ( that he has done more to deserve it than he can possibly imagine ) but about whether they both want it — but that future is still very far off, distant in a way that makes it impossible for him to see or to even realise that maybe all of those things are things steve needs to hear.
there's hesitation and stiffness, and the two combined almost convince james that he is unwelcome, that he should leave- but then steve kisses him, lingering and good and when steve draws back, he smiles a little because he likes that, and people smile when they like things, right?
[he may be frowning, but Steve's expression does change to slight surprise to watch James smiling. He can't remember te last time he saw him do that, and it isn't exactly like the smile he remembers, but it's there and it feels like a huge step.
He brushes his hand on James' features, thumb on his jawline. Maybe this is the encouragement he needed to feel - to feel that this is right after all.]
[ there's nothing remarkable about his tone, he's just stating a fact. he won't drop the glass. ( he might drop the smile, because for all that it is logical and steve kissing him feels good, it isn't something that he can keep up for a long time before it begins to feel unnatural, wrong and faked. ) ]
[He's always wondering, and not just because James approached and kissed him, because he knows he doesn't do that to get anything in return, he just does that for the sensation. Because to him it's right. He can tell himself it's right as well, despite the conflict he feels about whatever it is they have together, but - he's still always wondering, what James really wants, what he needs. Especially if he still has difficulty conveying it to him clearly.]
[ he thinks about it for a moment. is there something that he wanted? he's not sure- the answer is yes, but he doesn't know how to specify and he thinks that steve really wants that, specification.
steve wants to hear it, and james doesn't know how to verbalise it. asking for things is more difficult than taking them, and taking them is difficult enough as it is. he's allowed to want things, sam told him so. he's allowed. ]
[ tell me is a request and not an order; it's steve's tone that takes it from one to the other. he's learning to distinguish. it's a request and not an order, so instead of panic when he can't immediately answer, it's met with a frown, brows drawing together as he thinks.
in the end, what he settles on is ] Company? [ maybe it shouldn't be a question, but it is. he thinks he used to like this, want this: steve's presence next to him, or maybe his own next to steve. ]
[Company. The answer comes and Steve lowers his head with an exhale and a smile.]
You don't have to ask me for that. I'm here.
[calmly said again. With his hand he brushes another strand of James' hair, watches him for a moment, then settles a little better on his side. James didn't have to ask but ... Steve did prompt him to speak.]
[ he nods, once. the motion isn't big enough to dislodge steve's hand where he brushes away another strand of hair. ( it keeps falling into his eyes. he thinks maybe he should cut it to something shorter, the way he wears it in the photographs and videos from before, but he can't- he's not bucky barnes. )
his hand is still on the cup; he hasn't dropped it. won't. ]
[With an open hand he wraps his fingers around Bucky's nape, a friendly caress more than anything, encouraging him to stay close. To lean his head on Steve's shoulder if he likes. (It used to be the other way around; the smaller boy leaning on his friend, taller and sturdier at the time. They're about the same now.)]
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
no subject
What they are to one another doesn't have a name right now. He doesn't keep it at 'friends', as unaccustomed as James might still be to the concept in general, but - it feels like more, too. Like something no one else but them could really understand.
Maybe that's why he keeps James in the apartment more and more. Why he stays inside with him more and more, leaving others to question and receive silence in return.
They don't have to know. Steve was never one to share, anyway, and this goes beyond private, goes beyond intimate. But maybe it goes somewhere in the area of guilt, too. Shame for what seems like taking advantage of a human being who doesn't know any better - yet. So what happens when he does? When James suddenly becomes Bucky and realizes this was never what they were meant to be?
Steve's eyes are heavy and his lips in a thin line when suddenly he feels James next to him. He's not just there, sitting by his side with a glass in his hand, though - there's a kind of intent and Steve sees is plainly. It's not something he has to have smacked on his face to fully get it, but it doesn't mean he's acting on it until it becomes a little more frontal.
The gaze is just a little lighter when he turns to James, but the thoughts are still there. He'd like to think he's becoming better at reading the other man's gestures in the silence; he just hopes he isn't becoming better at reading Steve in return.
He almost forces a smile, but it's not an uncomfortable one. James trusts him enough to be close, and he likes that. He craves it.
He brushes a thumb on James' chin, eyes drifting from his own to his lips.]
no subject
what he knows is that he likes steve close without the pressure of expectation and he likes it when steve touches him and he likes touching steve. what he knows is that sometimes, just sitting next to steve instead of going elsewhere will make steve's gaze a little lighter, and maybe he doesn't know why that matters, but he knows that it does. it matters; steve matters.
( steve is no longer the only thing he knows in the absence of an objective, but steve is still important. maybe, maybe steve always has and always will be important. he thinks that wouldn't be such a bad thing. )
he sits down next to steve, close, and that is as far as his initiative carries him, but steve's thumb finds his chin and steve's eyes find his lips and james closes his eyes and drifts closer. ]
no subject
A great part of him still believes that James doesn't know what he wants. He couldn't possibly know - why would it ever be Steve? Why would it be his touch, his lips, his body -
It's been such a long time since he was just a kid looking up at his friend and wondering - wishing - what would happen if those hands just touched him in a different way, just once. And now here they are, under the world's strangest circumstances, and they're both supposedly getting what they both want.
But in the end he doesn't deny James what he drifts closer for. Instead Steve just feels himself growing slightly stiff, thumb brushing the pads of his fingers a little nervously before he angles his head, just enough to receive and give him that kiss.
He'd like to ask him what he likes so much about kissing. If he just likes the gesture, of if he likes who he's doing it with. If all of this means half as much to him as it does to Steve.
The kiss lasts, but it isn't intense. It isn't chaste, either, when Steve places James' lip between his and sucks lightly. And then it's over, slowly, and he tongues his own lips with a frown, letting his forehead rest against the other man's.]
no subject
there's hesitation and stiffness, and the two combined almost convince james that he is unwelcome, that he should leave- but then steve kisses him, lingering and good and when steve draws back, he smiles a little because he likes that, and people smile when they like things, right?
( steve isn't smiling. ) ]
no subject
He brushes his hand on James' features, thumb on his jawline. Maybe this is the encouragement he needed to feel - to feel that this is right after all.]
... Don't drop that.
[he nods at the glass.]
no subject
[ there's nothing remarkable about his tone, he's just stating a fact. he won't drop the glass. ( he might drop the smile, because for all that it is logical and steve kissing him feels good, it isn't something that he can keep up for a long time before it begins to feel unnatural, wrong and faked. ) ]
no subject
[He's always wondering, and not just because James approached and kissed him, because he knows he doesn't do that to get anything in return, he just does that for the sensation. Because to him it's right. He can tell himself it's right as well, despite the conflict he feels about whatever it is they have together, but - he's still always wondering, what James really wants, what he needs. Especially if he still has difficulty conveying it to him clearly.]
no subject
steve wants to hear it, and james doesn't know how to verbalise it. asking for things is more difficult than taking them, and taking them is difficult enough as it is. he's allowed to want things, sam told him so. he's allowed. ]
Yeah.
no subject
[That's a step. Now he tries to help James take the next one, clearing hair from his face with a gentle motion.]
Tell me.
no subject
in the end, what he settles on is ] Company? [ maybe it shouldn't be a question, but it is. he thinks he used to like this, want this: steve's presence next to him, or maybe his own next to steve. ]
no subject
You don't have to ask me for that. I'm here.
[calmly said again. With his hand he brushes another strand of James' hair, watches him for a moment, then settles a little better on his side. James didn't have to ask but ... Steve did prompt him to speak.]
I'm not going anywhere.
no subject
his hand is still on the cup; he hasn't dropped it. won't. ]
Okay.
no subject
You should tell me what's on your mind.