[ maybe at some point in the future, james will be well enough to tell steve that he does know what he wants and that it's his choice and steve needs to respect that; that it isn't about whether steve has done anything to deserve it ( that he has done more to deserve it than he can possibly imagine ) but about whether they both want it — but that future is still very far off, distant in a way that makes it impossible for him to see or to even realise that maybe all of those things are things steve needs to hear.
there's hesitation and stiffness, and the two combined almost convince james that he is unwelcome, that he should leave- but then steve kisses him, lingering and good and when steve draws back, he smiles a little because he likes that, and people smile when they like things, right?
[he may be frowning, but Steve's expression does change to slight surprise to watch James smiling. He can't remember te last time he saw him do that, and it isn't exactly like the smile he remembers, but it's there and it feels like a huge step.
He brushes his hand on James' features, thumb on his jawline. Maybe this is the encouragement he needed to feel - to feel that this is right after all.]
[ there's nothing remarkable about his tone, he's just stating a fact. he won't drop the glass. ( he might drop the smile, because for all that it is logical and steve kissing him feels good, it isn't something that he can keep up for a long time before it begins to feel unnatural, wrong and faked. ) ]
[He's always wondering, and not just because James approached and kissed him, because he knows he doesn't do that to get anything in return, he just does that for the sensation. Because to him it's right. He can tell himself it's right as well, despite the conflict he feels about whatever it is they have together, but - he's still always wondering, what James really wants, what he needs. Especially if he still has difficulty conveying it to him clearly.]
[ he thinks about it for a moment. is there something that he wanted? he's not sure- the answer is yes, but he doesn't know how to specify and he thinks that steve really wants that, specification.
steve wants to hear it, and james doesn't know how to verbalise it. asking for things is more difficult than taking them, and taking them is difficult enough as it is. he's allowed to want things, sam told him so. he's allowed. ]
[ tell me is a request and not an order; it's steve's tone that takes it from one to the other. he's learning to distinguish. it's a request and not an order, so instead of panic when he can't immediately answer, it's met with a frown, brows drawing together as he thinks.
in the end, what he settles on is ] Company? [ maybe it shouldn't be a question, but it is. he thinks he used to like this, want this: steve's presence next to him, or maybe his own next to steve. ]
[Company. The answer comes and Steve lowers his head with an exhale and a smile.]
You don't have to ask me for that. I'm here.
[calmly said again. With his hand he brushes another strand of James' hair, watches him for a moment, then settles a little better on his side. James didn't have to ask but ... Steve did prompt him to speak.]
[ he nods, once. the motion isn't big enough to dislodge steve's hand where he brushes away another strand of hair. ( it keeps falling into his eyes. he thinks maybe he should cut it to something shorter, the way he wears it in the photographs and videos from before, but he can't- he's not bucky barnes. )
his hand is still on the cup; he hasn't dropped it. won't. ]
[With an open hand he wraps his fingers around Bucky's nape, a friendly caress more than anything, encouraging him to stay close. To lean his head on Steve's shoulder if he likes. (It used to be the other way around; the smaller boy leaning on his friend, taller and sturdier at the time. They're about the same now.)]
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
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there's hesitation and stiffness, and the two combined almost convince james that he is unwelcome, that he should leave- but then steve kisses him, lingering and good and when steve draws back, he smiles a little because he likes that, and people smile when they like things, right?
( steve isn't smiling. ) ]
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He brushes his hand on James' features, thumb on his jawline. Maybe this is the encouragement he needed to feel - to feel that this is right after all.]
... Don't drop that.
[he nods at the glass.]
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[ there's nothing remarkable about his tone, he's just stating a fact. he won't drop the glass. ( he might drop the smile, because for all that it is logical and steve kissing him feels good, it isn't something that he can keep up for a long time before it begins to feel unnatural, wrong and faked. ) ]
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[He's always wondering, and not just because James approached and kissed him, because he knows he doesn't do that to get anything in return, he just does that for the sensation. Because to him it's right. He can tell himself it's right as well, despite the conflict he feels about whatever it is they have together, but - he's still always wondering, what James really wants, what he needs. Especially if he still has difficulty conveying it to him clearly.]
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steve wants to hear it, and james doesn't know how to verbalise it. asking for things is more difficult than taking them, and taking them is difficult enough as it is. he's allowed to want things, sam told him so. he's allowed. ]
Yeah.
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[That's a step. Now he tries to help James take the next one, clearing hair from his face with a gentle motion.]
Tell me.
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in the end, what he settles on is ] Company? [ maybe it shouldn't be a question, but it is. he thinks he used to like this, want this: steve's presence next to him, or maybe his own next to steve. ]
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You don't have to ask me for that. I'm here.
[calmly said again. With his hand he brushes another strand of James' hair, watches him for a moment, then settles a little better on his side. James didn't have to ask but ... Steve did prompt him to speak.]
I'm not going anywhere.
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his hand is still on the cup; he hasn't dropped it. won't. ]
Okay.
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You should tell me what's on your mind.