[ he doesn't speak for a long moment, and then repeats, softly, what he'd forced himself to type out: ] Car sounded familiar.
[ it's as close to an admission that this might be neurotic rather than based on actual threat assessment as he'll get, and there's a hint of frustration in his tone because even if his mind tells him that the odds of an attack are low, he can't stand down. ]
[ steve's calm has at least some effect on james, too. even if hardly any of the tension bleeds out of him, he loses some of the tightness around his eyes. ]
[Because it might be something - odds were long, but it might be. Because whether it was or not Bucky was sitting up with his gun pointed at the door and hadn't slept. Because it was important, whether it was Hydra back to try to reclaim their asset or not.]
[He nods and falls silent again, sitting still next to him. There's any number of responses that could be made here, but offering to go hunt wasn't likely to do any good and telling him it was all in his head wasn't likely to do any good. Sometimes fears weren't rational, and they couldn't be rationalized away. (Steve hadn't been able to sleep when he'd woken up, everything was ice and fire and creeping cold that dragged you into darkness until everybody you cared about was gone, sputtering of failing engines and the roar before they exploded and a crackling voice on a two-way radio.) Instead all that could be done was deal with them.]
Think you could get some sleep if I stayed on guard?
[ he thinks about it. steve is more than capable of handling any threat that should arise, certainly long enough to last until james wakes up, probably even if james didn't wake at all.
( there's a part of him that says it should be different, him protecting steve, but he doesn't know why or how. )
that's the rational part. in the end, he shrugs. ] I can try. [ he's willing to try, too. ]
WHOOPS tmw you thought you'd hit something and you hadn't
[ he nods, but it still takes a moment for him to shift at all, and then it's only to turn, to lie down with his back still to the wall, head close to steve's body and his feet in the corner of the room.
the gun stays in his hand, but the safety is on.
another long moment, and he closes his eyes. steve will keep watch. ]
[Steve settles himself a little more comfortably and then doesn't move, instead just watching the door and the window and wondering if things will ever be...
Not normal, he doesn't know what normal is any more. If they'll ever be all right, maybe. If they'll be okay again. Whatever that definition is. Maybe that's what it is now, is okay, and he wonders if he's selfish for hoping not, for hoping that Bucky will be able to sleep without someone standing guard over him at some point.
He's already so much better than he used to be in so many ways, and this is undoubtedly one of them. After all, he is trying to sleep, in semi-unfamiliar surroundings, after his senses screaming at him that this was wrong. That was something he never would have done before.
It felt like that was always what he was wondering these days, if this was the new reality, if he was being selfish by trying to make it into something that it wasn't, just because he didn't feel like it was normal again.
Nothing was going to be normal again, that was the end of it. He needed to get used to that.
[ he falls asleep eventually- not deeply, but he sleeps. he doesn't stop listening for loud noises, but his body more than his mind seems to comprehend that steve is competent to guard him while he sleeps, that he can let his own guard down a little, at least for a while, at least enough to rest.
and so he falls asleep, his breathing evening out, and he doesn't flinch when there's voices below the window or when a car breaks noisily. it's more rest than he's really managed to get in a while-
- and it doesn't last.
after maybe two hours, he jerks awake when a car backfires. he doesn't move, but the sudden tension in his muscles gives away that he's awake again, and after a moment, he sits up, dragging a hand over his face.
[Steve sat, and he waited, and he thought as he stayed on lookout of how much things had changed. Bucky had been the one to keep guard over him while he slept so often, it and it was finally his turn to return the favor. He glanced over, almost automatically, whenever there was some sound, but he doesn't stir for a while, longer than Steve would even have hoped for, earlier tonight. That's good, that's a good thing. But he does, of course, eventually - he can see him become tense throughout his whole self. Better than usual, but he still wasn't getting enough rest. Steve swallowed a sigh as he wished there was more that he could do and then brushed aside the thanks, shaking his head with a little somewhat crooked grin as he did so.]
No, it's nothing. I'm just glad I could do something.
[So often he hadn't been able to, after all. He'd already let Bucky down so many times, in so many ways. If, back in 45, he had just gone back to look for him, if he'd been a little more insistent-
That wasn't what Bucky needed to be worrying about these days anyway.]
[ he feels better, but with most of the restless paranoia that had kept him up before gone now that he's managed to unwind enough for at least two hours of sleep, now that he's managed to trust steve to keep watch, he also feels the lingering exhaustion more.
he has a hard time focusing his eyes, at first. he still manages to see steve's grin. it's not nothing, but he doesn't know how to protest.
( much later, he'll realise that steve feels helpless, that steve might like doing this kind of thing for him because at least it means that steve can have an impact, make a difference, actively help him instead of being along for the ride that is james barnes vs his programming and seventy years of abuse. )
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
no subject
[ it's as close to an admission that this might be neurotic rather than based on actual threat assessment as he'll get, and there's a hint of frustration in his tone because even if his mind tells him that the odds of an attack are low, he can't stand down. ]
no subject
What about it?
no subject
[ steve's calm has at least some effect on james, too. even if hardly any of the tension bleeds out of him, he loses some of the tightness around his eyes. ]
no subject
[Because it might be something - odds were long, but it might be. Because whether it was or not Bucky was sitting up with his gun pointed at the door and hadn't slept. Because it was important, whether it was Hydra back to try to reclaim their asset or not.]
no subject
[ he did check. if it was hydra, they haven't stopped anywhere near this place. ]
no subject
Think you could get some sleep if I stayed on guard?
no subject
( there's a part of him that says it should be different, him protecting steve, but he doesn't know why or how. )
that's the rational part. in the end, he shrugs. ] I can try. [ he's willing to try, too. ]
WHOOPS tmw you thought you'd hit something and you hadn't
Do that, then. I'm not going anywhere.
[He leaned back against the wall, then, shield next to him as if to prove a point.]
gathers this thread close and coos at it
the gun stays in his hand, but the safety is on.
another long moment, and he closes his eyes. steve will keep watch. ]
bbs
Not normal, he doesn't know what normal is any more. If they'll ever be all right, maybe. If they'll be okay again. Whatever that definition is. Maybe that's what it is now, is okay, and he wonders if he's selfish for hoping not, for hoping that Bucky will be able to sleep without someone standing guard over him at some point.
He's already so much better than he used to be in so many ways, and this is undoubtedly one of them. After all, he is trying to sleep, in semi-unfamiliar surroundings, after his senses screaming at him that this was wrong. That was something he never would have done before.
It felt like that was always what he was wondering these days, if this was the new reality, if he was being selfish by trying to make it into something that it wasn't, just because he didn't feel like it was normal again.
Nothing was going to be normal again, that was the end of it. He needed to get used to that.
He couldn't.]
: (
and so he falls asleep, his breathing evening out, and he doesn't flinch when there's voices below the window or when a car breaks noisily. it's more rest than he's really managed to get in a while-
- and it doesn't last.
after maybe two hours, he jerks awake when a car backfires. he doesn't move, but the sudden tension in his muscles gives away that he's awake again, and after a moment, he sits up, dragging a hand over his face.
he does feel better, though.
roughly: ] Thanks.
no subject
No, it's nothing. I'm just glad I could do something.
[So often he hadn't been able to, after all. He'd already let Bucky down so many times, in so many ways. If, back in 45, he had just gone back to look for him, if he'd been a little more insistent-
That wasn't what Bucky needed to be worrying about these days anyway.]
no subject
he has a hard time focusing his eyes, at first. he still manages to see steve's grin. it's not nothing, but he doesn't know how to protest.
( much later, he'll realise that steve feels helpless, that steve might like doing this kind of thing for him because at least it means that steve can have an impact, make a difference, actively help him instead of being along for the ride that is james barnes vs his programming and seventy years of abuse. )
he shrugs. ] Okay.