[Steve settles himself a little more comfortably and then doesn't move, instead just watching the door and the window and wondering if things will ever be...
Not normal, he doesn't know what normal is any more. If they'll ever be all right, maybe. If they'll be okay again. Whatever that definition is. Maybe that's what it is now, is okay, and he wonders if he's selfish for hoping not, for hoping that Bucky will be able to sleep without someone standing guard over him at some point.
He's already so much better than he used to be in so many ways, and this is undoubtedly one of them. After all, he is trying to sleep, in semi-unfamiliar surroundings, after his senses screaming at him that this was wrong. That was something he never would have done before.
It felt like that was always what he was wondering these days, if this was the new reality, if he was being selfish by trying to make it into something that it wasn't, just because he didn't feel like it was normal again.
Nothing was going to be normal again, that was the end of it. He needed to get used to that.
[ he falls asleep eventually- not deeply, but he sleeps. he doesn't stop listening for loud noises, but his body more than his mind seems to comprehend that steve is competent to guard him while he sleeps, that he can let his own guard down a little, at least for a while, at least enough to rest.
and so he falls asleep, his breathing evening out, and he doesn't flinch when there's voices below the window or when a car breaks noisily. it's more rest than he's really managed to get in a while-
- and it doesn't last.
after maybe two hours, he jerks awake when a car backfires. he doesn't move, but the sudden tension in his muscles gives away that he's awake again, and after a moment, he sits up, dragging a hand over his face.
[Steve sat, and he waited, and he thought as he stayed on lookout of how much things had changed. Bucky had been the one to keep guard over him while he slept so often, it and it was finally his turn to return the favor. He glanced over, almost automatically, whenever there was some sound, but he doesn't stir for a while, longer than Steve would even have hoped for, earlier tonight. That's good, that's a good thing. But he does, of course, eventually - he can see him become tense throughout his whole self. Better than usual, but he still wasn't getting enough rest. Steve swallowed a sigh as he wished there was more that he could do and then brushed aside the thanks, shaking his head with a little somewhat crooked grin as he did so.]
No, it's nothing. I'm just glad I could do something.
[So often he hadn't been able to, after all. He'd already let Bucky down so many times, in so many ways. If, back in 45, he had just gone back to look for him, if he'd been a little more insistent-
That wasn't what Bucky needed to be worrying about these days anyway.]
[ he feels better, but with most of the restless paranoia that had kept him up before gone now that he's managed to unwind enough for at least two hours of sleep, now that he's managed to trust steve to keep watch, he also feels the lingering exhaustion more.
he has a hard time focusing his eyes, at first. he still manages to see steve's grin. it's not nothing, but he doesn't know how to protest.
( much later, he'll realise that steve feels helpless, that steve might like doing this kind of thing for him because at least it means that steve can have an impact, make a difference, actively help him instead of being along for the ride that is james barnes vs his programming and seventy years of abuse. )
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thousandyard2014-08-05 12:05 am
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Not normal, he doesn't know what normal is any more. If they'll ever be all right, maybe. If they'll be okay again. Whatever that definition is. Maybe that's what it is now, is okay, and he wonders if he's selfish for hoping not, for hoping that Bucky will be able to sleep without someone standing guard over him at some point.
He's already so much better than he used to be in so many ways, and this is undoubtedly one of them. After all, he is trying to sleep, in semi-unfamiliar surroundings, after his senses screaming at him that this was wrong. That was something he never would have done before.
It felt like that was always what he was wondering these days, if this was the new reality, if he was being selfish by trying to make it into something that it wasn't, just because he didn't feel like it was normal again.
Nothing was going to be normal again, that was the end of it. He needed to get used to that.
He couldn't.]
: (
and so he falls asleep, his breathing evening out, and he doesn't flinch when there's voices below the window or when a car breaks noisily. it's more rest than he's really managed to get in a while-
- and it doesn't last.
after maybe two hours, he jerks awake when a car backfires. he doesn't move, but the sudden tension in his muscles gives away that he's awake again, and after a moment, he sits up, dragging a hand over his face.
he does feel better, though.
roughly: ] Thanks.
no subject
No, it's nothing. I'm just glad I could do something.
[So often he hadn't been able to, after all. He'd already let Bucky down so many times, in so many ways. If, back in 45, he had just gone back to look for him, if he'd been a little more insistent-
That wasn't what Bucky needed to be worrying about these days anyway.]
no subject
he has a hard time focusing his eyes, at first. he still manages to see steve's grin. it's not nothing, but he doesn't know how to protest.
( much later, he'll realise that steve feels helpless, that steve might like doing this kind of thing for him because at least it means that steve can have an impact, make a difference, actively help him instead of being along for the ride that is james barnes vs his programming and seventy years of abuse. )
he shrugs. ] Okay.